Mary Seuss?
by ObsidianJade
Summary: From the insane mind that brought you 'Ninja Seuss'... Another not quite parody, in which Jiraiya and Naruto must battle The Ultimate Evil - Mary Sues!
1. On Identification of the Enemy

**A/N**: _Oops, I did it again_… No, wait. Wrong unrealistic, poorly imagined, two-dimensional female character.

(…my apologies to Britney fans, if such creatures still exist, but if she doesn't want to be fired at, she should stop handing us ammunition.)

In any case… yeah. It's another Seuss. And this one's gonna be a multichapter. Don't ask – I don't know. I just need something funny to work with.

Warnings include: Spoilers (barely), Jiraiya being weird, Naruto being weirder (does that count as OOC or very IC?), oh, yeah, and a Mary-Sue being Mary-Sue-y.

**Disclaimer****: I do not own Naruto, for which I imagine people are even more glad this time.**

**Dedication**_**: **_For Hekasorceress, who convinced me it was worth writing.

**MARY… SEUSS?**

**Ch. 1: On Identification of the Enemy**

When Jiraiya first took him

Out on training so new

He said to Naruto

"Beware of the 'Mary Sue'!

She'll appear as a woman

Or a girl in your case

And be luscious of body

And wondrous of face

Now that doesn't sound dangerous

But mark my words, boy

She'll wrap you 'round her finger

And make you her toy

You'll forget about Sasuke

And sweet Sakura too

When that horrid creature

Sets her eyes on you!

Her pretty face is the least

Of the troubles you'll find

This is why I must warn you

About her and her kind

These Sues have great power

They are absurdly strong

But you'll want to defend them

Even when they are wrong

Her past is quite tragic

Full of sorrow and woe

For her family was slain

By a jinchuriki, you know

Or she might be one herself

It's not entirely clear

Because she's the lost sister

Twin to your Sasuke dear

Or sometimes she's a sibling

To that Hatake brat

And she's still in ANBU

Despite all of that

And of her Sharingan

The Black Ops make good use

Though nobody's quite certain

Where she gets the juice

We're also not certain

Where she learned Gentle Fist

And though she had no permission

The Hyuugas aren't pissed

She had six Kekkei Genkai

The last time we knew

And she makes twice as many

Shadow Clones as you

She made Jounin at nine

And captained Black Ops at twelve

But far into her past

It's not wise to delve

And that arranged marriage

That won't go away

Was to Sasuke, or Neji

Despite what _they_ say!

And so, Naruto,

Any questions now?"

"Uhm, yeah, pervy Sage,

Who's that silly cow?

With the double-D boobs

And that short tight skirt

And why doesn't she know

That ANBU don't flirt?"

"GASP! You idiot boy!

Naruto, now run!

I warned you 'bout this

That talk wasn't for fun!"

"Talk, what talk? Did you keep

Lecturing? 'Cause I toned out

After 'luscious of body,'

You pervy old lout."

"Ungrateful brat! Idiot

Fool! You have no idea what

This could cost us, so run

And just keep you eyes shut!

OOOOO

**Next Chapter:**

Jiraiya gets snared!

Horrors ensue!

If you'd like to read it,

Please leave a review!


	2. On Escaping the Enemy

**A/N**: Yep, Chapter two. Scaring myself a little. Firstly because I'm updating in a span of time measurable by days, not months, and secondly because I'm updating _this_. However... on with it.

**Disclaimer: See Ch. 1**

I ALSO DISCLAIM responsibility for any brain damage, asphyxiation due to extreme laughter, or loss of contact lenses resulting from reading of this story!

**MARY… SEUSS?**

**Ch. 2: On Escaping the Enemy**

But Jiraiya, he acted

A split-second too slow

Those Sues are quite crafty

And quick, too, you know.

There was a squeal, and a glomp

And a wet smacking sound

And Jiraiya lay senseless

Gobsmacked on the ground

With bright lipstick prints

All over his face

It looked like this Sue

Had just shown her ace!

It wasn't that grand

In all honesty

For Jiraiya went senseless

Every time he could see

Some girl's pretty face

Or an attractive form

But even Naruto knew

This girl wasn't the norm

For one thing, her figure

Was far too overblown

And how could a ninja

Have no muscle tone?

Jiraiya blinked twice

Looked at her, and cried

"Lovely Light of my Life!

I shall make you my Bride!

I will be a Changed Man!

No more Philandering Ways!

For you, My Dear Love,

Until the End of my Days!"

"Oh, that's just what I need

Another Gai-sensei clone

Don't I put up with enough

Must I scream and moan?

There's something wrong here,"

Naruto frowned with a sigh

"I thought he loved Granny

So I wonder why

Pervy Sage is now acting

Quite so stupid and wrong,"

And then the thought hit him

His head rang like a gong

"She must be the enemy

An Akatsuki spy

She hit him with genjutsu

And that must be why..."

"I Love you, My Gorgeous!

Always and Forever!

And we shall not be apart

I tell you, not ever!"

"Well, I'd better do something

Can't leave the old perv to fry

And so, gather chakra

And now, Release! _Kai_!"

And then quite abruptly

All the evidence is

That Jiraiya had quickly

Returned to his senses

Gasping, he cries out

"Naruto, act quick!

Hit me in the head

With something quite thick!

Oh, you must do it!

Knock me down, knock me out!

And then get me away

From her pink-lipsticked pout!

When I'm around her

I can't think straight at all

I don't want this Sue

To be my downfall!"

"Well, if you say so,"

Naruto said with a shrug

But before he could act

He was caught up in a hug!

"Naruto, sweet boy!"

The Sue said with a squeal

"Don't take my sweet Ji-poo!

You should feel like a heel!"

"Lady, you're crazy,"

Was all Naruto said

Before he quite soundly

Hit her over the head

Then he picked up Jiraiya

-which was no easy feat! -

And removed him from there

With footsteps quite fleet

When they were safely away

He dropped Jiraiya, and said

"Who was she, perv? Spill it!

Before I dent your fat head!"

Jiraiya just sighed

"Let me repeat the rhyme

And for pity's sake, boy

Would you _listen_ this time?"

NEXT TIME:

The duo must plan

Their opponent's defeat!

And with chapter three

This tale (should be) complete.


End file.
